Brene Brown famously said to her therapist that she wanted to get right down to work and not talk about "that childhood bullshit..." to which the audience laughs. Seemingly, everyone knows that most of our issues today come from our childhood, but does it really help to talk about it? Can't I just change?
According to Murray Bowen and Bowen Family Systems, if you don't know which way your gear is turning, or what other gears are keeping it engaged, it's almost impossible to figure out how to shift out of that role in your family system.
Family Systems says, when mom says "X", then dad "Y", then the kids "Z". And that will happen every time until someone addresses X.
It may LOOK like the problem is the kids' addictions or depression, but really the root of the cause is mom's low self-concept that causes dad to disconnect from everyone.
This is a HYPER underdeveloped example. :) Like the clock in the photo above, there are gears we can't even see turning in this family system. But does it help us to get an idea of where we might start in therapy? Instead of the focus being on a person addiction, we can ask each person in the system to ask themselves how they're contributing to whatever the problem may be. If everyone can take a look inside and see how they might be able to grow and shift -- but especially take responsibility for their own -- as Brene would say -- bullshit, then change can finally happen.
Is this all there is to family systems? We are only scratching the surface!
Want to know more? Check out some of these posts:
Over-functioning, under-functioning, and the differentiated self
