What is Religious/Spiritual Abuse?
When I first heard this term I had no idea what to think... I think the best I had at the time was, "That sounds awful! What is it?" Only to find that as a woman who grew up with baptists turned evangelicals, it was something I experienced frequently. So...Let's chat about what is and isn't spiritual abuse, and how we can use a little self-love to heal from it.
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse is when someone uses your faith against you. They (intentionally or not) turn something that is supposed to foster connection and safety and make is something divisive and unsafe. And it can be so subtle that you start to wonder if you're crazy and they're right. It's when religious leaders or communities use their authority to control, manipulate, and/or shame you. They use your relationship with God to manipulate and in the process make God himself a dangerous person for you. Think less "What Would Jesus Do?" and more "What Would I Do If I Were Jesus?" (Spoiler alert: They're not Jesus.)
It might look like:
- Using scripture as a weapon
- Demanding unquestioning obedience -- did God's plan really involve you using that beautiful brain he gave you?
- Isolating you from friends or family who don't share the same beliefs
- Shaming you for having doubts or questions
There are at least 100 ways people can use your faith against you, and 99.99 of them do not look, sound, smell, or feel like love and grace.
What Isn't Spiritual Abuse?
Now, let's be clear - not every uncomfortable moment in your spiritual journey is abuse. It's not abuse when:
- Someone respectfully disagrees with your interpretation of your faith
- You're encouraged to grow in your faith through study or reflection
- You face natural consequences for your actions (turns out, "God told me to do it" isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card)
What to do when you see the signs of Spritual Abuse in Your Life?
If you've been through spiritual trauma or abuse, you might be feeling pretty lost and alone. This is where self-compassion comes in. Self-Compassion, developed by Kristen Neff involves things: Mindful Awareness, Self-Kindness, and recognizing our Common Humanity. We can dive in to each of these more in the future!
1. Acknowledge Your Pain
First things first, admit that what happened to you sucked. It's okay to say it out loud: "That was spiritual abuse, and it hurt me." Give yourself permission to feel angry, sad, or confused. Your feelings are valid, even if someone tried to convince you they weren't.
2. Be Kind to Yourself
Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd show a friend going through a tough time. Would you tell them they're stupid for falling for spiritual manipulation? No? Then don't say it to yourself! Practice saying nice things to yourself, like "I did the best I could with the information I had at the time."
3. Remember You're Not Alone
Spiritual abuse can make you feel isolated, like you're the only one who's ever questioned or been hurt by religious authority. But trust me, you're not alone. There are communities and resources out there for people who've been through similar experiences. Reach out and connect - it's like group therapy, but with more memes and less awkward silence.
4. Redefine Your Spirituality
Just because someone misused spirituality doesn't mean you have to throw the baby out with the holy water. Take time to explore what spirituality means to you now. Maybe it's traditional religion, maybe it's meditation, or maybe it's finding the divine in a perfectly toasted grilled cheese sandwich. Your spiritual journey is yours alone.
5. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, self-compassion needs a little professional backup. There's no shame in seeking therapy or counseling to work through your experiences. Think of it as spiritual rehab - but with comfier chairs and less singing.
Remember, healing from spiritual abuse is a journey, not a destination. Some days you'll feel like you're walking on water, other days you'll feel like you're sinking faster than Peter. But with self-compassion as your life jacket, you can stay afloat.
So here's to healing, to finding your own path, and to telling spiritual abusers where they can stick their "divine authority." May your journey be filled with genuine love, authentic faith (if you choose it), and enough self-compassion to make even the most judgmental church lady jealous.
Now go forth and be fabulous, you beautiful, resilient soul!